I was denied health insurance this afternoon. Get this: my current coverage ends tomorrow. Instead of feeling discouraged, I just feel limited. I feel like a disappointment, which is just one step up from feeling like a complete failure. So there’s that.
Then I sat in St. Paul’s for a long time. There were all these families lighting candles and taking pictures. There were also people like me - tiny crowds facing forward in the pews. I’m definitely not Catholic. I’m not anything of the sort, but I do like feeling something big, daunting and maybe a little… reassuring. There is something indescribably nice about a church (or chapel, whatever the difference is) that has existed years and years beyond my little life. And I can assume it will be here when I’m gone. It’s what happens in between the two that has me worried. If not worried, then concerned. Maybe alarmed. I’m hitting the snooze button on the normal impulses in my head (i.e. college and dating) and trying to speed up the things that take time.
If I only make one resolution this year, it’s this: I will do things in my own time. I usually only make one resolution each year (and if you’ve been following me long enough, you might know that the last three years have centered around being happy, getting happy, staying happy, etc.). The future used to feel so abstract. Now my idea of the future feels more like the present, as if all of these immediate choices add up and you win or you lose. I feel like I’m doing a crossword puzzle that someone lost the answers to. What’s the point then? Do you do it just for the sake of doing it? What if my answers are wrong but they fit? And what if they don’t?
More than anything, I want to feel like I really deserve to have someone buy me a sandwich from across the country. And then some. I want to be surprised with daisies because I do not love roses. I want that tiny difference to mean something to somebody other than me. Also, I want my last two days at Crumbs to feel like a beginning, not an ending.
I was outside of my old high school with a bunch of people, mostly friends, and this girl comes up and pulls out a gun. She announces that she’s unhappy and so she wants everyone else to be unhappy. (She actually says this because it’s a dream and in dreams, like life, you can say whatever you want with a gun and you’ll still be scary.) She walks us through the woods and into this rural area, with one path and a few restaurants. The weird thing is that she stops at a vegan place (like a kiosk or a truck but bigger). I figured she was this heavy-handed, meat-massacring chick with a weapon, but she’s not. She looks away for just a moment then, and most people run like hell.
I think I start running too, and I’m holding someone’s hand. He doesn’t look at me, just pulls me faster. We get back to the vacant high school parking lot and there’s nowhere to go. Eventually the girl returns, really pissed now, and everyone seems to be safe but us. We’re still holding hands, but he won’t make a move.
Then I wake up. No one died, and the killer got fed… but I have this ringing in my ears, as if I’ve been covering them all night.