“I’ve got maybe 3 more good years of peeing in public.”
Ashlee and I eat pizza that’s fallen on the sidewalk. Nicole lets me verbally abuse a bunch of freshman boys on the bus. These are things that happen for two very specific reasons: first, it’s too good not to, and secondly, because for me, the end of adolescence doesn’t make sense. And I know it’s probably painful to see it put that way - adolescence, like a novel about recreational drugs and leaving home - but isn’t that what your low twenties are for?
Let’s say there are only two true beginnings in life (being born and then starting your own life at 17, at 18, 21, whenever); this would be that last one.
Now this is just a lowly little thought, knee-deep in the realest loss of innocence I’ve ever experienced, but what if all the rage I spend so much time discussing is just a product of the earlier anger I never got to live out fully? Is it possible that we spend so much time just trying to survive the teenage years that when we finally emerge new and adult-like, the residual damage, like a collective delayed reaction, survives too? It’s worth examining.
I think it’s mostly a problem of repetition. I see something that I want, something that’s not mine, that’s maybe someone else’s, and I think, enough, enough of this. But something shifts and the something that I wanted can be mine, but by then I don’t want it because I fear that the same thing will happen to me. It’s not a good enough offer, so I skip around a lot. But it gets old.
In my molecular gastronomy lab, we boiled eggs in sealed bags. Some of the kids are younger than me and they have more money than I do. And sure, sometimes I wonder what the hell it is that I’m doing there. But then the yolk of my egg comes out yellow, not the overdone green it could be, and the egg white can be stripped away. It’s beautiful. But I do wonder about vegans, California, and how many more days it will be before the avocado I bought on Friday will be ripe. There might be something wrong with it. I just want to get better at knowing what to do.
